I stepped back. And i hit someone's elbow accidentally. I turned around and i saw you from far away. You, of course, were not looking at my direction. I turned back, staring at the match, seeing but not watching, imagining if it was your elbow. It felt so comforting acknowledging your presence as though you're about to throw yourself in front of a bullet to save me or something. If it were you standing right behind me, i would have conscious of my tousled hair. My heartbeat would have accelerated but i couldn't help. It was beyond my control. I might turn around and grinned, or i might have secretly took your hand, so that you would stare blankly at me. Both idea, however, seemed completely unlikely. So i mentally shook my head and shoved all those thoughts in a drawer.
I stomped up the stairs, tagging along. We stood at the far end of the hall and we all watched them playing badminton. I saw your friends a moment later and, before realizing what i was doing, i shifted my eyes around the hall, looked for you. You were nowhere to be seen, anyway, and that somehow made me both relieved and disappointed. I remembered them telling me you were good at badminton and i, however, did not have a chance to see it with my own eyes. I did not know that i actually had a tiny little wish to watch you having a game, so that i could be able to know how good you were. I wanted you to be there at that moment, so that i could ask you to play for a while. For me, perhaps. Again, i told myself to stop being silly. Get a grip, me. I had no rights to.What if you just stared at me and walked away, whispering 'stupid cow'? I could not take it. I chose to leave.
I, still, have feelings for you. They are extreme, honestly. I used to like you a lot i could literally grin like an idiot at the thought of you; i used to hate you a lot i actually cursed at you and regretted about my decision.
I remember that day, or days, to be precise. I've gone through it once, yet i've gone through it for so many times. For you being extraordinarily and irritably protective, i wished to embrace freedom; for not having a single word from you, i wished we were together. I don't know how i've gone through those days as i will never, ever cry my eyes out at school. I was playing it cool. I told You-Know-Who that with a smile on my face. She was, undoubtedly, surprised and she said i was being cold-blooded. I did not care. I wanted to tell her all about that so that i would not have to repeat it.
I flickered my eyes away when i saw you. I told myself firmly that i could live on my own happily without your presence, like how i did before i met you. I reminded myself to show a huge grin all the time when i was at school. But the time at home was tough. No texts, no good nights, nothing. I felt hollow inside. I felt so sick to think that i secretly needed you.
I remembered those days, i did perfectly well in the exam. The reasons behind it were, i did not go online, so that i would not feel wrong not chatting with you on MSN; i studied hard to reassure myself i had made the right decision; i quited the damn game, which reminded me of you all the time; i went to bed so early cos i knew i would have needed an extra ten more minutes to fall asleep. It was nighttime when finally the pain i'd suppressed so long got the best of me.
It wasn't easy to move on. I didn't know how long it took. Or had i actually moved on yet? Part of me wish that you'll tell me that you will wait on me for ever; part of me wished that you will move on so that im not wasting your time.
It was an impressive achievement that i can't believe how tough i had been. I was trying as hard as i could not to make my friends worried. I didn't waste their time listening to my crap. I didn't waste any tissue paper on my rolling-down tears, as they fell perfectly on my fluffy pillow.
I was strong. I really was.
I am strong. I really am.
And i will be strong. I will really be.
Now it seems like i don't give a damn how you're doing. But, i can remember your marks better than the others'. I can remember your phone number even though i've removed it from my contact list. I can remember your voice so clearly as though it is impossible to tune out. I can pick you out from the whole crowd of people without making any effort to.
But neither of these things matter. I used to telling myself that i don't care for you. Though, i realized it is just a lie that i've repeated so many times and it sounds almost convincing. You don't appear in my mind, but you sometimes do appear in my dreams.
The clouds are thinning, the rain gone. The sun might even make an appearance just in time to set.
I know, i was being dramatic. :)
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